Fragmented
Wow! Ok, God, I get it. For the past several days the word "fragmented" kept entering my mind.
As we inch closer to Mother's Day and the first Mother's day without my biological Mother, I can't help but feel even more fragmented.😢
Yes, our lives were fragmented in our younger days being tossed from one foster home to another. Rarely getting to see our other siblings. Occasional visits with our Mother. All the time wishing our family could become "whole" again. I felt VERY fragmented throughout life, even in my 20's and 30's, trying to hold my instability together.
But....... with all honestly, I feel more fragmented now, more than ever.
On January 15, 2007, our oldest sister passed away. I felt a piece of our family gone in and instant. How could this be? We finally achieve what we thought a "whole" feeling, now it's fragmented. We were missing a loved one so much. Our sister, Ethel "Marlene" Robertson was and integral part of us all. Her being the oldest and being there for most of us through our younger adult/motherhood lives felt like she was the Mother figure on most occasions. Her hugs! ❤💗
On May 6, 2015, we lost another part of our family, our ONLY brother, Winfred "Dean" Hamilton Jr. It was always fun to pick on him when we did get the occasional get together as children, him being the only boy. Can you imagine him being surrounded by 6 girls! He took it all in stride and was always as kind as he could be. Oh, he had his little ways of paying us back, his little remarks etc. But, he did it all out of love. He definitely called us on our bullshit when we needed it. His favorite saying was "Yeah, Buddy!"
Our Mother, Betty Adams passed away March 14, 2017. The grief with her passing comes in waves. One day I feel ok, other's not. We become very close when I was in my 30's mostly. I watched her grow spirituality and saw her & her husband Tom saved at my church in South Houston, Texas. We drifted apart and didn't talk as much the past few years, We used to have a morning telephone call. I remember getting irritated with her because she'd call at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday. The ONE day a week I could actually sleep a little later. She would say "I haven't' heard from you this morning yet"
Oh, I'd give anything to have those irritating moments back! I'd say "I'm sorry. Mom, I'm sorry I didn't always pick up the phone when you called. I'm sorry Mom I didn't call you back until a few days later. I'm sorry Mom I didn't go by and see you every time I was in town. I am sorry Mom, I am just SORRY!!! "
I know now that you did the best you could with us, in spite of the fragmented childhood you also had. I know now that being fragmented can cause a lifetime of turmoil.
As this Mother's Day approaches, May 14, 2017. I honor you, Mom. I honor you for fighting as hard as you did for each and every one of us. One of the last conversations you had with me was that you loved me and wanted us all to fight for you and for all of us to just get along. We fought for you Mama as much as we knew how. Mama, we tried to fight as hard as you fought for us. I did all I knew to do. I will continue to fight for you!
I've learned that we don't have to stay fragmented. It's ok to feel "fragmented" but we don't have to stay there every moment of every day. Psalm 139:14 reminds us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Think about that, just think. We were broken, but God made us whole again. The Bible states that our soul can be “fragmented” which is another way of saying “torn” or “damaged.” Psalm 7:2- "Lest he tear my soul like a lion, rending it in pieces, while there is none to deliver." Oftentimes, we feel that way. I know I have this past couple of months. Facing a mortality of our own lives while losing a loved one can get you so "fragmented" that you are not sure if you will ever be whole again. I want to be WHOLE again. My tears fall like rain, I can't find what I am searching for in the middle of the night. I wake up to a wet pillow from tears in my dreams. Lord, I cry, make me whole again. Give me peace.
I have HOPE! Psalm 23:3 " he refreshes my soul.He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
I ask You in the Name of Jesus Christ to send out angels to gather up the fragments of my soul and restore them to their rightful place in me.
I share this all with LOVE. Love doesn't come easy for everyone. I can clearly see that now. I thank God I can have unconditional love.
God’s love is unconditional. Unlike earthly affection, His love doesn’t fluctuate. The Father doesn’t care for us more when we have pleased Him or less when we have failed or sinned. Covering another person's wrongdoing with love means we show mercy, speak the truth, and forgive so that the sinner will be healed, much like a nurse tenderly bandages a wound.
I hope my words have given you hope and healing as it is giving me. Yes, it will take time, there will still be days of feeling "fragmented" but, it feels wonderful to have hope & healing.
LOVE & cherish your loved ones always, just as Christ Loves us.
Always a advocate4u2!
Lisa
As we inch closer to Mother's Day and the first Mother's day without my biological Mother, I can't help but feel even more fragmented.😢
Yes, our lives were fragmented in our younger days being tossed from one foster home to another. Rarely getting to see our other siblings. Occasional visits with our Mother. All the time wishing our family could become "whole" again. I felt VERY fragmented throughout life, even in my 20's and 30's, trying to hold my instability together.
But....... with all honestly, I feel more fragmented now, more than ever.
On January 15, 2007, our oldest sister passed away. I felt a piece of our family gone in and instant. How could this be? We finally achieve what we thought a "whole" feeling, now it's fragmented. We were missing a loved one so much. Our sister, Ethel "Marlene" Robertson was and integral part of us all. Her being the oldest and being there for most of us through our younger adult/motherhood lives felt like she was the Mother figure on most occasions. Her hugs! ❤💗
On May 6, 2015, we lost another part of our family, our ONLY brother, Winfred "Dean" Hamilton Jr. It was always fun to pick on him when we did get the occasional get together as children, him being the only boy. Can you imagine him being surrounded by 6 girls! He took it all in stride and was always as kind as he could be. Oh, he had his little ways of paying us back, his little remarks etc. But, he did it all out of love. He definitely called us on our bullshit when we needed it. His favorite saying was "Yeah, Buddy!"
Our Mother, Betty Adams passed away March 14, 2017. The grief with her passing comes in waves. One day I feel ok, other's not. We become very close when I was in my 30's mostly. I watched her grow spirituality and saw her & her husband Tom saved at my church in South Houston, Texas. We drifted apart and didn't talk as much the past few years, We used to have a morning telephone call. I remember getting irritated with her because she'd call at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday. The ONE day a week I could actually sleep a little later. She would say "I haven't' heard from you this morning yet"
Oh, I'd give anything to have those irritating moments back! I'd say "I'm sorry. Mom, I'm sorry I didn't always pick up the phone when you called. I'm sorry Mom I didn't call you back until a few days later. I'm sorry Mom I didn't go by and see you every time I was in town. I am sorry Mom, I am just SORRY!!! "
I know now that you did the best you could with us, in spite of the fragmented childhood you also had. I know now that being fragmented can cause a lifetime of turmoil.
As this Mother's Day approaches, May 14, 2017. I honor you, Mom. I honor you for fighting as hard as you did for each and every one of us. One of the last conversations you had with me was that you loved me and wanted us all to fight for you and for all of us to just get along. We fought for you Mama as much as we knew how. Mama, we tried to fight as hard as you fought for us. I did all I knew to do. I will continue to fight for you!
I've learned that we don't have to stay fragmented. It's ok to feel "fragmented" but we don't have to stay there every moment of every day. Psalm 139:14 reminds us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Think about that, just think. We were broken, but God made us whole again. The Bible states that our soul can be “fragmented” which is another way of saying “torn” or “damaged.” Psalm 7:2- "Lest he tear my soul like a lion, rending it in pieces, while there is none to deliver." Oftentimes, we feel that way. I know I have this past couple of months. Facing a mortality of our own lives while losing a loved one can get you so "fragmented" that you are not sure if you will ever be whole again. I want to be WHOLE again. My tears fall like rain, I can't find what I am searching for in the middle of the night. I wake up to a wet pillow from tears in my dreams. Lord, I cry, make me whole again. Give me peace.
I have HOPE! Psalm 23:3 " he refreshes my soul.He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
I ask You in the Name of Jesus Christ to send out angels to gather up the fragments of my soul and restore them to their rightful place in me.
I share this all with LOVE. Love doesn't come easy for everyone. I can clearly see that now. I thank God I can have unconditional love.
God’s love is unconditional. Unlike earthly affection, His love doesn’t fluctuate. The Father doesn’t care for us more when we have pleased Him or less when we have failed or sinned. Covering another person's wrongdoing with love means we show mercy, speak the truth, and forgive so that the sinner will be healed, much like a nurse tenderly bandages a wound.
I hope my words have given you hope and healing as it is giving me. Yes, it will take time, there will still be days of feeling "fragmented" but, it feels wonderful to have hope & healing.
LOVE & cherish your loved ones always, just as Christ Loves us.
Always a advocate4u2!
Lisa
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